Personal log of Kowalski, Roger
I woke up because of a scream. Before I got up, I had my hand on the Taser that I glued under my desk, but it was only ‘Do you like elves’. She had fallen off the couch, crying. Aching I lifted my sleepy ass up. “What’s up?”
She just sobbed. “Nothing”, and swiped over her nose with the back of her hand. “I’m okay.” “You are not.” Her black eyeliner had been washed in streams down her cheeks. The room was lit by the blinking neon lights from the Tattoo parlor. The street never sleeps. No lights outside.
Black shadows were falling over her from the bamboo shutter, switching to red, to green, to blue in between. Surreal I thought. She must have slipped her boots and socks off her feet at night, messed them on the floor around the couch. She set hal up, rubbing her face. “I feel shit.”
Sat beside her, didn’t argue about that. You can see a trainwreck when it happens in your shoebox office without have to be a smartass. I picked up the soykaf I left on the armrest and ripped it open. The heater inside did it’s thing and the stuff heated up with this cardboard mug bubbling, until steam came out. I offered her the mug, slumped beside her on the couch. “Wanna talk about it?” She snuggled herself into my armpit and I thought that this was not a good idea. From this couldn’t come good.
I shifted a bit away from her, but she simply closed the distance by rolling on her back and laying her head into my lap. She looked at me, thinking, nipping on her coffee. “Girl”, I said and tried to move, “this is not a good idea at all.” “What?!”, she protested. “I just need someone to lean on for a moment. You’re such a pussy!”
I turned my eyes and didn’t know what to say. “Okay. Tell me about.” “Nothing. Really. It’s just sometimes, my life is bleeding into my dreams”, she said matter of fact. “Wasn’t always like that. Dreams were long time the only place left for me where I was safe.” I grunted, because she had started to move her head to watch me. “Liar”, she said and put emphasis on the ‘ar’. “What?” “Hypocrite, I can feel that.” “Stop that”, and I pushed her off me, she rolling on the floor but was on my lap before I had a chance to get up, kneeing there, sitting straight and her face in front of mine. “We have to talk about this.” “No. We don’t. I could be your father and now you get off me.” But I would have to hurt her if I wanted to get her off, she had put her arms around my neck. “Okay. Let’s talk this out. You can’t be my father. How old are you?” “Twenty-eight.” She laughed. “My ass. You are much older.” “I’m twenty-eight.” “Okay. Whatever. You started to fuck around with ten?” “Thirteen. No.” “See?” I pushed her back, but she would not let go.
“It’s nice of you to try to protect me and shit. Really”, she said. “But I’m eighteen, I know what I’m doing.” I frowned. “Drugs? Standing at the corner? That’s how…?” “Shut the fuck up, listen. I’m a woman. Even if you think I’m underage and you would be right, which you are not. Even if, you would give me this shit while I’m out there and fighting like a tiger to survive this? What’s that for a shit about underage?” And she was really a bit furious. “That’s exactly the shit I don’t have to take! I have not much left for myself but I’m still standing on my own feet! If someone’s coming and making me a kid in a mans world, I would have to give up the last of the freedom I have. The last rights. The last self respect. Fuck! Whatever. I’m eighteen. I’m an elf, we are like this. Respect me for what I am, or see how you get around here for yourself and I won’t bugger you anymore. But you are the only decent guy around and I like you.”
She stared into my eyes, switching from left to right to left like a caged animal. Something with claws and… hunger. I scooted back a bit, to get a better angle to push. “Okay. And now to this issue… Tell me you don’t like it. Lie to me, asshole”, and she kissed me, a bit too fast at first, but she went softer, I tasted her smell and the gloss of her lipstick that was something fruity, while she pressed her warm naked thighs against my sides. Finally she stopped. She watched me closely, let herself drop slowly. “Thought so”, she said with a little triumph in her eyes. She swung herself off my lap and then nested herself around me, her head on my chest, her hands around my back. “You need me as I need you. You like me as I like you. We are good for each other. What’s the big deal about that anyway? Good dreams.”
After a while I managed to scoot the chair under my legs. But I didn’t dare to move.
Thinking about this old song . I’m so fucked.