Personal log of Kowalski, Roger
It was late morning, the daylight had taken over the pale lights of the night, but the heavy wind and rain had not stopped. The streets were deserted and no sound penetrated the office but the patter of rain against the windows.
She was lying on my belly, looking into my eyes. In the moment I gained consciousness she kissed me and her belly and breasts were warm and soft on me. Before I was able to say something she took advantage of some natural reaction to this sort of physical treatment and she set up, her hands on my ribcage. I was gliding inside.
“Once doesn’t count”, she said. “This was, what you wanted to say, right? Okay. I would not count the last night as once but anyway, do I have your attention? We really have to talk.” She had and looked her in her eyes. “Yes”, I moaned. “I’m really sorry.” “Nothing to be sorry about, if you don’t fuck up now”, and with a few quick movements she stopped me arguing. “Soooo”, she stopped moving. “Now. We have something to clear. First thing. Am I a woman for you or a child?” “A woman.” “I thought so. I do not accept you to treat me as a woman at night but don’t treat me decent at daylight. Do we start here?” I nodded.
“Babs… I’m really…” “There’s nothing to be sorry about. We are just fucking. That is nothing. It means nothing. But it has always a price. Only fools think that there is no deal behind this. And I want to make perfectly clear, that there are rules. Do you agree?” And with a few movements she got my full attention. “Clear”, I gasped. “Could you pleeease…” “No. Not yet. You are terribly cheating your girlfriend. Charleen is a nice lady and I don’t want to hurt her. You should neither. But you won’t tell her and I won’t tell her. If you have a moral headache or something don’t you dare putting it on her. You look a bit like having a hangover. I mean I don’t want to destroy anything you have. You shut your fucking gob about us, do you?” “But…?” “This is between us. And you don’t start to cheat with anyone else. Perfectly clear?” “No, I don’t.” She kissed me. “You were sweet, honey. You may call me bunny, if you like. I liked that when you did tonight.” And she stroke my cheek and kissed me. I felt her tongue caressing my lips and she said nothing for a while, was just moving slowly until I began to moan.
“Okay.” She stopped moving. “I won’t sleep alone again. You can’t come in here, take advantage of me, fuck me senseless and then act as if nothing had happened. You will take me in your arms when I fall asleep.” “But I promised…” “Bullshit”, and her voice was crackling, “I really thought I lost you. I felt so alone tonight. You never do that again.” “But… Charleen…” “Your problem. You take me in your arms at night.” I tried to move, but she sat hard on me. “If you fuck me, you are nice to me. That’s the deal.” “Okay. I don’t know if that’s a good idea, bunny. And really, I didn’t want to…” “Shut the fuck up. You want to say: ‘No baby, I don’t fuck you?’” And her ass made perfectly clear that that was a lie. “And you find me attractive. At least I can feel that. Right now. Inside.” She moved a bit up held it for a moment sat down heavy. “Right?” “Quite convincing.” “Good. And if I say ‘you are nice to me’ means I may try to find out what I like and not. I started that with you and I do not want to roll over, let you fuck me and give that up. You will help me with that!” And she pronounced every word of the last sentence like she meant it and used her body as an emphasize. “What do you mean?”
And she just let her down, started to play with my hair and was looking into my eyes. “I mean it’s nice if you come to me at three a clock in the morning and start to fuck me like a rabbit and don’t stop for hours. It’s nice. It’s like sport, isn’t it? And I won’t complain. But I started to learn something. You are the first decent guy that was actually interested in what I feel. What I want. Is that so?” “I have no idea what…” “You respect me, don’t you?” “Yes.” “I give a shit to this whole love thing. You can keep that for Charleen, okay? Love, that’s just a fucking scam with which guys try to lower the price. You can put that up your ass. I just want decency. I want that you caress me, that you hold me, that you care for me. And that you actually find out with me, what I like.” “Find out… what?!”
She blushed actually. “You know…” And her fingers were caressing my earlobe. “You know… It’s not that a girl just likes to have that boner inside and everything’s yay, no? That’s nice, but it’s a bit stale isn’t it? And no one ever was helping me to find out… I mean find out what I like. No one was interested. They just payed me. And I want that deal. I don’t want fucking money. I just want you to make me want you. Ehrm…” I wasn’t sure but it was looking like she really didn’t know what she wanted to have. “You mean you want me to love you?” “FUCK! NO! Stick your love thing up the ass! That’s for the fucking Johns there outside. See? All that neon redlights and brothels and pimps and sex-shops and pole-dancing. That’s sex. I don’t want sex. And I have even no interest in fucking. Just if you help me find out what I really want. That would be something.” She was caressing my lips, kissed. And I kissed her back. Decently. We were slowly moving for a while. “You are really messed up.” “I’m not!”, she protested and got up again. “I’m fucking not. I just want something in return.” I held her. “Okay.” “Okay?” “Yes. I don’t think that’s a good idea. And I think I don’t feel comfortable to cheat on Charleen.” “But you will. We can’t be together all the time and in that steamy car and sleeping in the same bed and nothing happens.” “No. You are right.”
“So? I want truth. A real deal. Something realistic. It’s my future we’re talking about, no?” I nodded. “So, no lies. You can’t come and fuck me for free without giving anything in return. That’s not like a gentleman is, or not?” “No. I would not do that.” “So we have deal?” “I wouldn’t call it a deal, but…” “It’s a deal.” I grimaced painfully. “Yeah. We call it a deal.” “You will respect me and the deal?” “Yes.” “And I get a vest?” “What?” “That fucking jerk did nearly kill me. I want a vest. Or something for protection.” “Talking about protection, you have something…” “Fucking idiot, I’m a professional. Of course. And you don’t give me some fucking STD, do you?” “No! No, I’m clean.” “Okay. Because you won’t get it from me. I don’t know Charleen, but you better take care of her that she does not.” “What?!” “Whatever. Concentrate, please. I don’t want to work all alone here.” We were concentrating for a while. “So a vest.” “Vest. Okay.” “And you show me how to shoot.” “No.” “I fucking didn’t hit that loco. I didn’t hit the fucking barn door, he was all over us, big and fat and… and… I fucking missed!” “Ya, okay. I show you how to use a taser. Couldn’t hurt anyway.” “I want my vest look something sexy.” “What?” “Sexy.” “Vests don’t look sexy.” “I ain’t gonna go out there as a fucking Chinese spring roll. That’s cramping my style. Concentrate!” I moaned. “So. You will take me with you?” “What do you mean? Work?” “No, this sex thing. You help me find out?” “Okay.” “So it’s a deal?” “Deal.” “Then let’s cream it, I mean seal it. And you fuckin’ don’t say ‘I love you’. Dare you!” And she rolled over onto her back and smiled: “And now take me. Careful, okay? Make me moan or the deal is off.”
Halve an hour later she was dozing in my arm and my heart was pounding in my ears. And I wasn’t sure what I was getting out of this deal in the end. Just trouble. Endless trouble. We got a pact sealed with… body fluids.
I got up to make a coffee and called Virgil. “Not on the phone. I will be coming around when I do my round.” He hung up.
It knocked on the door. “How’s it?” “Sandy.” “Just a second.” I put over my coat, “What’s up?”, I held the door a split open. She was spying the girl on the couch. “So you’re really fucking the girl?” She wasn’t amused. “I want my coffee machine back.” “I’m brewing a pot right now. You want some?” “No. I just want it back.” I looked into her eyes and thought about if I should tell her that it was my machine anyway and that… But she really helped and was nice. “I’m sorry”, I said. “I bring it over after I have served her a decent breakfast.” “You aught to.” And she stared at me for while, then turned and went back.
And it made me feel bad. Like someone taking advantage over a situation. And I wasn’t sure, if it wasn’t like that. I’m not a gentleman. I’m cheating on Charleen, fucking an under aged girl. Working as a collector for a local pimp. It was not the life I promised to live as a boy scout.
“Where is the fucking coffee machine?” She asked after we had our breakfast. The expensive one from the Bumble Bee. “I had to give it back.” “You’re kidding me. Say, did you ever have won an argument in your life? You’re a really lousy negotiator, honey. Tell you that.”
It was around noon when Vigil showed up. It took a time to clean up the office after the last night, but we managed to make it descent. Vigil bought me a bottle of descent whiskey. “You earned it, man. Good job.” “Good job? You fucking sent me to a damn madman who was ballistic on some shit like Nitro or something! He shot me with a Roomsweeper.” Vigil waved off. “And I lost 2000 creds, the guy is in intensive care and the cleaning center is in shreds. I really show some good manners, don’t you say?”
Babsie was sitting on the sofa, her legs up and reading something on her commlink. She just was throwing a look, when he said: “You got her as a pay. How’s it going?” “I don’t see her as payment.” He waved off. “See it as you like, but it is. What’s that smell?” “I got expenses, man. My duster was perforated, her clothes…” “You have taken her with you?” He was shaking his head. “You want to claim some money? Look, Kowalski. I got expenses too. I lost 2000 creds last night because I told you to remind that guy of his payment. To just keep it up. But you go in there like a bull on acid and shred his whole shop like in one of these action flicks, what’s their name? Rosy Redflower or something.” “Sukie. Sukie Redflower”, Babsie looked up. “Shut your gob, Babsie. This is man’s things. Not girls”, he flamed her mildly. “You treat her decent, okay?”
“See”, Virgil said, “I don’t tell you how to deal with your sluts and you don’t tell me how I deal with them.” I was staring into his eyes. “Don’t give me shit, will you? You really fucked this job up. I don’t hold it against you, Roger. Things like that happen. I can still try to sell it as ‘the thing that can happen if you don’t keep your payment up’, you know? It might be still some profit in it. But your part, that’s really fucked up. And that’s another time I pull your ass out of the line of fire, do I?” “When my ass was under fire you were not there. And that ballistic jerk was a ticking time bomb. And anyway it was looking like he kind of expected us to show up anyway.” “Did he?” He frowned. “That’s interesting. I try to find out why. Just keep the bottle, Roger. As a thank you. You done your job. It was just the start, and I completely understand that you are new to this. I hope you’ll learn and next time it’s going better.”
He was turning. “See you. Babsie. You really look good. A shame that I have given you away. You are at least worth thirty now.” She showed him her middle finger but he was already out of the door, which I slammed close. “So much for expenses.” “He fucked you, man. Sideways. And he made you knee and suck his dick afterwards.” “Keep it for yourself, will you?” “Just saying. What fucking kind of shitty deal did you get yourself there anyway? You don’t tell me you do all this for nothing, do you? You really need a manager, man.”